Yes, hello world. This is my story. Granted it’s not a remarkable one, but it should keep you occupied for the couple minutes procrastination you have allowed yourself this hour.
I was given a bottle of jellybeans as a gift awhile ago and the bastards had cleverly put all the black jellybeans at the bottom of the bottle so you had to eat your way through most of the other colours before you could get to the best ones (because everyone knows the black ones are best). Past-lover (I promise you this isn’t a break-up blog) and I decided to try empty the bottle, but unfortunately some got stuck and no implement at hand was quite sufficient to unstick them, the photos should illustrate the point.
Past-lover’s solution was to break the bottle in frustration, I however protested against this use of force as I actually liked the bottle. Past-lover left (as past-lovers by definition are want to do. The jellybeans may have been a contributing factor, I’m not sure. I thought I had shared the black jellybeans with good grace.) Now all I’m left with is this empty bottle. Talk about a fucking metaphor for my life. Granted it is a nice bottle, but really, my expectations for life-fulfillment were pitched slightly higher. (Again, be reassured, this is not a break-up blog). Anyway, the other day I came across a packet full of black jelly beans, just black jelly beans, all alone! This seemed exactly what my life was missing. But I soon discovered that I was over-powered by the flavour. Black jelly beans, it turns out, are not awesome in isolation. You need the crappy yellow and orange ones to offset the black awesomeness. This was a revelation! I felt an urgent need to share this with the world, but all the avenues available to me seemed deeply unappealing. (Facebook and Twitter you suggest? Meh is what I have to say to you). So to wordpress I turn to share this revelation. I assure you I’m not a hipster looking for ironic quirkiness to share with the world in an attempt to define my ironic persona. There’s a lot I feel we need to talk about, the world and I. We are currently not on very good terms. It has retreated into steely silence and so this is my attempt to flip it the bird with the cocky self-assurance it deserves. I aim for everything on this blog to have relevance, whether culturally, politically or intellectually; from the banal to the serious, or yes the occasional rant to maintain my sanity. But don’t take my word for it, I am after all the person whose life is best represented by an empty jellybean bottle.
With so many provisos, I think we can declare this blog has begun.